Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
