You made me cry and you don't even care
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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