What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize