How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
