we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's shark week go big or go home
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
