Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
