weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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