I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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