Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
