There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He passed out mid-signature
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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