yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize