Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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