Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
