I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize