and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
