I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
