Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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