I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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