i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
