Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
