what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
