My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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