I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
