I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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