My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are we still banned from the library?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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