Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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