so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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