i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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