You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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