This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
