my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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