Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
