So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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