I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
