i already hear my dad disowning me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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