Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize