he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
