I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
