He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
