I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
