the condom got lost in my hair
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
