mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
