Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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