i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
