remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
