stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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