I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
