everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You're like the curious george of whores
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize