no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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