we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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