Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm going to jail i love you
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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