8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
