Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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