my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
