last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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