I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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