the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
