Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
