Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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