I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize