Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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