I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
